Perfect!..In it's Imperfection
Wow!
It's been a while since I've done the blog thing. The last time I posted was about going on my mission, and fate would have it that this time will be about returning. Isn't it just great how life works out perfectly like that? I've never been a big blogger so I only post about things that really matter to me. And this is one.
Time for the real talk.
I've been home from my mission now not even 2 months. In ways it feels like forever. In ways it feels like yesterday. It also feels at times like my mission never happened. Like it was all a dream! Well, it definitely was not. That 18 months happened, and as I returned back to the real world, that all started hitting me. My family looked different, and there were 2 new children I had never met. Our home was the same, but after 20 years of wallpaper finally got a paint job! (It was a big deal!) Friends were married, having children, graduated from college, starting careers, traveling the world, etc. But even in the midst of the changes, somehow everything felt the same.
Except me.
Now that's really typical of a returned missionary to say. A mission really does change you! Overall, you are still the same person. You don't become some crazy reproduction of someone that looks like the old you but has nothing in common. No. I still love to sing and enjoy a little sarcasm here and there, but coming home I suddenly felt like a fish out of water. While in Taiwan, I learned to accept that as my life! The heat, the humidity, the crazy amounts of people everywhere, the traffic, biking, skirt-wearing, being the tallest person on every bus and metro...it was just my life! And I LOVED it. Now don't take that the wrong way, I definitely LOVED coming home to my mothers home-cooked meals, the white Christmas, my CAR, not sweating 24/7, being able to sleep past 6:30, etc But somehow I just felt...off. I used to be engaged in the WORK OF SALVATION 24/7, members of the church all over the world were praying for me, and now what am I doing? Sitting in a finance class learning the best way to minimize my taxes? It just couldn't compare. I love saving money, but that didn't bring me as much joy as helping someone who had never even heard of Christ, realize His significance in their life.
But I kept going!
I knew that it was my time to come home, and so did my aching knees. I knew it was time to continue on to the next phase in my life. So I did! People would always ask me how I was doing. For a while I said really happily, "Great! Cold..but great!" It was weird to be home, but not bad. My family kept me busy, and I thought that once school started everything was going to be sunshine and butterflies and I'd make 100 new friends in the first week and all would be well.
:) Oh man..that's funny.
School started and things started really sinking in. I didn't know hardly anyone, and I found myself resorting back to the old, REALLY SHY, Tiffany Lemon. On my mission, I could talk to people on the street who I didn't even know everyday, but I couldn't even say hello to the person sitting next to me in class. It started to really discourage me. I felt incredibly lonely and I thought I would just have to get used to that feeling and never making a real friend. (Now I have to insert a huge shout-out to my wonderful friends and family members who were there at every moment. Y'all are amazing.) But on top of the loneliness with the people around me, I felt like no matter what I did, that God was getting further and further away from me. I was still trying my best to study the scriptures, pray intently, and keep up with goals I had set for myself, but I felt like I was stuck in an empty room with no one to talk to, and no one that understood me. Pretty much everything that could make me discouraged, was. There was one night close to the beginning of the school year where I was at a very social gathering. There were probably 3,000+ other people around me, and I had never felt so alone. It was then when someone noticed, reached out, that I finally told the truth.
That night was the first time I had confided in someone about the way I was ACTUALLY feeling. I'm really good at smiling and acting happy (because I hate being sad), but I realized then that I had been lying to everyone. I was not great, and honestly, it was incredibly hard to be home. (Little did I know, a lot of people feel this way!? Let's all be more honest with each other.)
So, that's when I decided to change. I started praying for courage to talk to people DAILY. (If you knew how hard it was for me to start a conversation with someone, you would understand why I need to pray for a renewal of that courage every day.) I started trying to be more honest and outgoing. I changed my scripture study from at night to in the morning, or afternoon. (Seriously though, HUGE difference.) I started writing down my personal revelations. I started thanking Heavenly Father for more things than I was asking for. I started sharing my thoughts and feelings with others (mostly my Mom..she is a trooper).
And you know what happened?
Not too much actually. ;) But the way I felt, started to change. I still haven't made those 100 new friends, but I have started to talk to more people and have made a few new friends. I feel that God is giving me little revelations more often, now that I am willing to write them down! I have started to recognize more and more opportunities that I have of helping others. For example, I am part of the Logan Institute Singers, and we recently participated in a musical Women's conference in Wellsville. As we sang, I felt God's love for those women! And strangely it felt like the same love that I felt for the Taiwanese people! Imagine that;)
So, coming home was not at all like I had planned or expected. (Go hug a returned missionary right now. They need it.) A year and a half ago when I left, I thought I knew exactly how things were going to play out. I thought I would serve and come home and everything would be just like I had left it. Oh but how wrong I was...and how grateful I am for that. I thought my sister would wait to have children. I thought my friends would still be single. I thought that classes would still be easy. I thought that I'd have a job the second I wanted one. I thought that boy would wait. I thought a lot of things! But as I started realizing my plan was falling apart, I saw that God's plan for me was falling right into place.
Today in church there was a girl who said, "No matter what decision you make, if you think it's the right one, God will take care of you." I used to think that meant that I'd serve and come home and suddenly receive every blessing I've ever wanted, and that my life would be perfect. ....:) Well, Tiffany, that's not true. But I KNOW that God's plan for me is better than anything that I had planned for myself. I'm still struggling with applying that at times, but I know that its true. He knows me. he loves me. He is as real and as alive as the person sitting next to me. He LOVES me. And if I am willing, He will make of me something that I had never imagined possible. He sees my potential when I can't. He pushes me to do hard things. He is my FATHER. And He sent me a perfect brother to show me the way to act, the way to live, so that I don't get in the way of His master plan. ;) And that perfect Son is the reason His plan will all work out. (So really, I should worry less.)
My life is no where near perfect, and neither am I. But I have learned that as long as I am following God's plan, it will be perfect. And for now, it's perfect, in it's imperfection. Just like me:)
It's been a while since I've done the blog thing. The last time I posted was about going on my mission, and fate would have it that this time will be about returning. Isn't it just great how life works out perfectly like that? I've never been a big blogger so I only post about things that really matter to me. And this is one.
Time for the real talk.
I've been home from my mission now not even 2 months. In ways it feels like forever. In ways it feels like yesterday. It also feels at times like my mission never happened. Like it was all a dream! Well, it definitely was not. That 18 months happened, and as I returned back to the real world, that all started hitting me. My family looked different, and there were 2 new children I had never met. Our home was the same, but after 20 years of wallpaper finally got a paint job! (It was a big deal!) Friends were married, having children, graduated from college, starting careers, traveling the world, etc. But even in the midst of the changes, somehow everything felt the same.
Except me.
Now that's really typical of a returned missionary to say. A mission really does change you! Overall, you are still the same person. You don't become some crazy reproduction of someone that looks like the old you but has nothing in common. No. I still love to sing and enjoy a little sarcasm here and there, but coming home I suddenly felt like a fish out of water. While in Taiwan, I learned to accept that as my life! The heat, the humidity, the crazy amounts of people everywhere, the traffic, biking, skirt-wearing, being the tallest person on every bus and metro...it was just my life! And I LOVED it. Now don't take that the wrong way, I definitely LOVED coming home to my mothers home-cooked meals, the white Christmas, my CAR, not sweating 24/7, being able to sleep past 6:30, etc But somehow I just felt...off. I used to be engaged in the WORK OF SALVATION 24/7, members of the church all over the world were praying for me, and now what am I doing? Sitting in a finance class learning the best way to minimize my taxes? It just couldn't compare. I love saving money, but that didn't bring me as much joy as helping someone who had never even heard of Christ, realize His significance in their life.
But I kept going!
I knew that it was my time to come home, and so did my aching knees. I knew it was time to continue on to the next phase in my life. So I did! People would always ask me how I was doing. For a while I said really happily, "Great! Cold..but great!" It was weird to be home, but not bad. My family kept me busy, and I thought that once school started everything was going to be sunshine and butterflies and I'd make 100 new friends in the first week and all would be well.
:) Oh man..that's funny.
School started and things started really sinking in. I didn't know hardly anyone, and I found myself resorting back to the old, REALLY SHY, Tiffany Lemon. On my mission, I could talk to people on the street who I didn't even know everyday, but I couldn't even say hello to the person sitting next to me in class. It started to really discourage me. I felt incredibly lonely and I thought I would just have to get used to that feeling and never making a real friend. (Now I have to insert a huge shout-out to my wonderful friends and family members who were there at every moment. Y'all are amazing.) But on top of the loneliness with the people around me, I felt like no matter what I did, that God was getting further and further away from me. I was still trying my best to study the scriptures, pray intently, and keep up with goals I had set for myself, but I felt like I was stuck in an empty room with no one to talk to, and no one that understood me. Pretty much everything that could make me discouraged, was. There was one night close to the beginning of the school year where I was at a very social gathering. There were probably 3,000+ other people around me, and I had never felt so alone. It was then when someone noticed, reached out, that I finally told the truth.
That night was the first time I had confided in someone about the way I was ACTUALLY feeling. I'm really good at smiling and acting happy (because I hate being sad), but I realized then that I had been lying to everyone. I was not great, and honestly, it was incredibly hard to be home. (Little did I know, a lot of people feel this way!? Let's all be more honest with each other.)
So, that's when I decided to change. I started praying for courage to talk to people DAILY. (If you knew how hard it was for me to start a conversation with someone, you would understand why I need to pray for a renewal of that courage every day.) I started trying to be more honest and outgoing. I changed my scripture study from at night to in the morning, or afternoon. (Seriously though, HUGE difference.) I started writing down my personal revelations. I started thanking Heavenly Father for more things than I was asking for. I started sharing my thoughts and feelings with others (mostly my Mom..she is a trooper).
And you know what happened?
Not too much actually. ;) But the way I felt, started to change. I still haven't made those 100 new friends, but I have started to talk to more people and have made a few new friends. I feel that God is giving me little revelations more often, now that I am willing to write them down! I have started to recognize more and more opportunities that I have of helping others. For example, I am part of the Logan Institute Singers, and we recently participated in a musical Women's conference in Wellsville. As we sang, I felt God's love for those women! And strangely it felt like the same love that I felt for the Taiwanese people! Imagine that;)
So, coming home was not at all like I had planned or expected. (Go hug a returned missionary right now. They need it.) A year and a half ago when I left, I thought I knew exactly how things were going to play out. I thought I would serve and come home and everything would be just like I had left it. Oh but how wrong I was...and how grateful I am for that. I thought my sister would wait to have children. I thought my friends would still be single. I thought that classes would still be easy. I thought that I'd have a job the second I wanted one. I thought that boy would wait. I thought a lot of things! But as I started realizing my plan was falling apart, I saw that God's plan for me was falling right into place.
Today in church there was a girl who said, "No matter what decision you make, if you think it's the right one, God will take care of you." I used to think that meant that I'd serve and come home and suddenly receive every blessing I've ever wanted, and that my life would be perfect. ....:) Well, Tiffany, that's not true. But I KNOW that God's plan for me is better than anything that I had planned for myself. I'm still struggling with applying that at times, but I know that its true. He knows me. he loves me. He is as real and as alive as the person sitting next to me. He LOVES me. And if I am willing, He will make of me something that I had never imagined possible. He sees my potential when I can't. He pushes me to do hard things. He is my FATHER. And He sent me a perfect brother to show me the way to act, the way to live, so that I don't get in the way of His master plan. ;) And that perfect Son is the reason His plan will all work out. (So really, I should worry less.)
My life is no where near perfect, and neither am I. But I have learned that as long as I am following God's plan, it will be perfect. And for now, it's perfect, in it's imperfection. Just like me:)
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