Breaking the Silence

This is a hard thing for me to do.

But, I have felt for a while now that it is something I need to do.

Please know that by my sharing, I am not looking for anyone's pity or sympathy. I am also in no way saying that what happened to me is as terrible as what is happening to the millions of people that have been or are currently in human trafficking situations. 

My only hope is to try to bring light to a subject that is finally getting a lot of attention -- to try to help people better understand how they advocate for, and protect their children. ALL children. 

It is up to us to GET LOUD for them today. And this is my small way of trying to do so.

I hope that by sharing this, that my experience will begin to be used to bless others, rather than continue to hurt me as it has for so many years. 

--

I was 13 years old. 

Basically the only social media platforms that really existed were Facebook and MySpace. Facebook was just beginning to get popular so MySpace started losing its luster. Being a 13 year old girl, I DESPERATELY wanted to fit in and to be cool. I was in the height of my awkward stage as my body tried to figure out puberty and whatever else was happening inside it. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. I stood about a head taller (or more) than most of my friends so I did anything but blend into the crowd. 

Of course I also had a great desire to be liked. What teenage girl doesn't have that crush that she wishes would notice her? Even though I never blended in I felt like I was never noticed in a positive way. I so badly wanted that. So, in my efforts to get noticed I decided I wanted a Facebook account. My older sister, who was 20 at the time, had one AND she had a boyfriend. So that seemed like the solution! However, my mother refused. So what did I do? I did what any stubborn teenager would and I made myself an account while at one of my friend's houses. I was so proud of my rebellious self.

Fast forward about a year. I'm 14 now and Facebook is really fun! I love messaging people on there because it's like texting. I didn't have my own cell phone (I actually shared with my mom!) so Facebook messenger was the next best thing. One day I get a message from someone I didn't know. Back in the day those messages didn't go to a seperate "Message request" area (as far as I remember. Or maybe it was just due to my lack of security settings) so this message just came straight to my inbox. It was a guy! What a dream come true, right?

In the message he simply told me that he had been looking on the LDS Seminary page, and had found me. He said that he was 18, preparing to go on a mission, and needed some support from someone and wondered if I would be that person. He gave me reasons as to why such as living outside of Utah made it harder to find friends who were members of the church. It all made sense to me. Church was one of my safe spaces, so even by simply mentioning it, this man gained my trust instantly. He was also an older boy, and all the movies and tv shows made it seem like getting the attention of an older boy was to die for! I honestly felt like I was in the beginning of some fairytale.

Through the course of messaging for a week or so, he asked for my phone number so that we could talk more often. I was a soccer referee, so my mom let me take the phone on nights that I would ref. Those were the times I would chat with him the most. He started telling me how pretty I was, and how much he liked me. He told me things that made me like him. He asked for pictures of me to put on his phone, so I sent a few, and he downloaded some of my profile pictures. He told me many times that he wanted to meet up. I thought that was sweet, thinking maybe he would be my first kiss! (How I shudder at that thought now.)

Then things started to get more intense. One particular night when we were Facebook messaging, he told me that he had been dreaming about me. Out of genuine curiosity (and also because I was fishing for compliments) I asked what his dream was about. Up until this point he had made SOME comments that had made me uncomfortable, but I thought that maybe that's just how older guys talked and I went along with it because I wanted him to like me. Then everything changed very drastically. He started describing sexual things that he had "dreamed" about. I started to get scared but my fear was pushed aside by a friend who encouraged me to find out more and a worry that he would stop liking me if I didn't go along with it. So I just replied things like "Oh really?" and "Huh" and "Ok" because I knew that wasn't rejecting him, but maybe it could just get us off the subject. His descriptions changed from dreams to reality — things he wanted to do to me.

He began to very graphically describe every single thing he wanted to do to me. Violent, sexual things that an innocent girl like me had never even heard of. He described me as chained and bound, gagged, and defenseless. He described me as his prey. He told me how excited he was to be the first to do said things to me.

Even writing this now I have so much fear and disgust towards the situation. I had no idea someone I had thought I could trust could say these things to me. I told him I wanted him to stop. He said that just made him want me more. I told him I was going to get off and never talk to him again. He told me that he would come and find me and make me realize how amazing it all was. I finally told him I was going to the police. He told me if I ever told anyone that not only would he come and find me, but that he was going to take me away so that I couldn’t tell anyone. So that I would only be his. He told me I would learn to love the things he talked about just as much as he did. I was panicked and terrified. Threats were being made, and I didn’t know what to do. I told him I was going to get off and he begged me not to go. I shut the laptop and ran down to my room. 

I so badly wanted to tell somebody, so I called a close friend who stayed on the phone with me until I fell asleep. The next morning I was sick. I was afraid. I felt so alone. Worst of all, I felt dirty. I felt like this was all MY fault. I felt like I deserved what he had said and done because I had provoked it in a way by continuing to talk to him. 

I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore, and I KNEW that no matter what I had done my mother would love me. Thank heavens for her. I pushed through Satan's attempts to get me to stay quiet, to try to talk to this man again, etc and told my mom. I remember saying to her, "I need to tell you something because I'm scared and need help and I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to." I then proceeded to recite to her the previous nights events. She had me show her the conversation and made a HUGE point to tell me that this was NOT my fault. She then contacted the police for me. 

I was assigned a female police officer who personally worked on my case. We had to print off the conversation and take it in to her for her to read. I felt so ashamed for what I had done I didn't even want to meet her. She told my mother and I that since this man was an adult we would be able to bring him to Utah to trial and could put him away if I was willing to testify against him. This man had caused me so much trauma that the last thing I wanted to do was meet him in person, bring him to the town in which I lived, and see who was actually behind the horrific words that were haunting my every thought. So I chose to let the police handle it themselves and I tried to go back to normal life. All I wanted was to pretend this never happened. 

And I did. I went on with my life. I enjoyed school and my time with friends. I kept my secret and only ever told a few people. Not even my best friends know this situation. I spent many nights living in fear that he would find me. Visiting my brother in Kansas was especially triggering because that's where he said he was from. Even after being married to a wonderful man who protects and loves me, I still have a severe anxiety about being touched, especially by people I don't know well enough. This is one of the reasons I have never been able to see a male chiropractor and am completely terrified of them-- even though I'm sure I could use an adjustment (or 7!) 

But I've gotten through this. Through the amazing Atonement of Jesus Christ, and the blessing of knowing that someone had felt this all for me before, I was able to find some peace. And now I am sharing it all with the world, and here's why:

1st -- This happened to me! And I was a very innocent girl raised in Cache Valley, Utah. A place that was sheltered and safe. We need to learn for ourselves and teach children that this can happen anywhere, and to anyone. Not as a scare tactic, but as a way to make sure we are all aware and on the outlook for people who might not have the best intentions. 

2nd -- We also need to be good friends and influences on one another to help each other have courage to say no, and stay away from people who make us uncomfortable. We aren't doing ourselves any favors by talking to someone who doesn't give us the utmost respect, and help us feel like the amazing child of God that we are. 

3rd -- This man got to me by using one of my safe places -- church and my religion. I thought back in those days that online predators, traffickers, kidnappers, pedophiles, etc would just send you a message that said, "Hey meet me in a dark alley at 9 pm because you're cute and I want you." I was very wrong. They are smart and do their research. They look for vulnerable people, and find out what they like. They find a way to connect with you so you will trust them, just like I did. They get you feeling happy and safe and gradually convince you that you need to meet up with them, send them certain pictures, do certain things for them, etc. That's not to say there aren't those morons out there who do just message and tell you they want to be your sugar daddy. There's lots of them too. It's disgusting.

4th -- It's important to teach kids to be strong and have courage in the face of fear, but we also need to teach kids that sometimes they need to listen to that fear -- to honor that pit in their stomach that's telling them something is wrong. That can be our intuition, or the spirit!, telling us that something is wrong. You of course want to be kind to all people and not judgemental, but you also need to protect yourself and if someone approaches you or asks you to do something that you aren't comfortable with, it's ok to judge and say NO! Even if that person is a boyfriend, or family member. 

5th -- Social Media is awesome, but it can also be SO dangerous. Especially now with a million new ones popping up in ads and in the app store like weeds! You can pretend that porn doesn't exist or isn't a problem. You can pretend like predators aren't gonna get to you or your kids. You can pretend that having more social media accounts, and being especially active on those accounts is cool or will turn you into an influencer. You can pretend a lot of things. But that doesn't mean that what are you pretending is fact. BE CAREFUL! And please keep your children careful. Know the Dirty Dozen list and don't let your kids use those things. Know who their followers and friends are. Know who they are talking to. They will thank you eventually! They may be mad and upset and annoyed with you now, but when they can sleep at night because they don't have to worry about some man coming into their room and taking them, they will be grateful. 

Now if you've survived through all of this, I hope you aren't terrified. This happens but the more awareness we have, the more light we spread into these dark corners, the less darkness can be there! So thank you for reading this. For letting me shine some light into my dark corner. Light dispels the darkness. We all can help one another. We all have something to give. We all can help to save the children. So today and everyday, let us RISE UP and GET LOUD to end human trafficking, pedophila, child pornography, ALL pornography, domestic violence, all kinds of abuse, and expose the predators. 

Your voice matters. Always use it for good. <3

**Please visit the website for Operation Underground Railroad and complete the training on how to spot and prevent trafficking. If you are struggling with a dark corner like mine please reach out to someone you trust! You don't have to suffer alone, and you are not at fault. You have so much worth and deserve to overcome.