100 Days Later...
Oh blog posts..anyone else find them as therapeutic as I do? If not, try writing one. You'll understand.
So here I am again, blogging about change. But this time, it is a change I have waited a long time for. The change of learning to love myself. 21.5 (exactly) years in the making. And here's how I did it:
Hi, my name is Tiffany! In order to understand this story more, you have to know a little about me. For those that think you do, check your knowledge a little. ;) I am 21.5 years old TODAY! (It's my half birthday. Pretty big.) I am the youngest of 6 children. I have 2 older brothers, and 3 older sisters. We are all VERY different, but somehow still get along. I am the tallest of the girls, standing at 5'10". My brother likes to tease me and say I'm 6', but the doctors say 5'9.5" so let's stick with that! I have always been the tall girl. And not the super skinny model type. Also my last name is Lemon. So I am definitely one who understands what it's like to be teased. (This isn't a sob story about all the times I was bullied or made fun of for who I was, just a little background information so you can better understand what a miraculous change this was for me.)
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with feeling my own worth. I've always believed that I had some sort of worth! I knew that my family loved me, and I knew that I had wonderful friends who loved the person I was, but there was one person who didn't feel the same as everyone else.
That one person was me.
Now, I believe every human being on this planet, no matter how confident they seem, all have insecurities. We are just incredible at not letting anyone see that. But those close to me know what a struggle it's been for me to love myself, and helped me in the best ways they could. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but for some reason, nothing worked. I kept feeling like "If only (insert change here) happened, THEN I would be beautiful. THEN I would love myself." Bad mentality folks. I wasn't looking at all the good I already possessed as a human being! I was only looking at what I thought was bad, and seeking to change it. (Negativity.. it's killer.)
Let's talk about that for a second - Why do we constantly want what we don't have? Why does everything just have to be bigger and better than before? We live in a world that constantly desires instant gratification. We have lost all ideas of what patience is, and what lasting change requires. We have become a selfish and greedy generation. (Not everyone, and not all the time, but being honest - we all have our moments.)
Returning to the story..
All I wanted was all the quick fixes. I wanted instant results, instant change, instant love for myself. But all of these were short term, and the more I sought for them, the more I lost myself, and who I really was.
It got to the point that I just didn't have any drive or desire to do anything. I only found joy in certain situations, and I constantly relied on others for that joy. I used their feelings for me to create some sort of "self-worth" when I had lost all mine. One day, I was with a friend, and a comment was made that unintentionally broke down all that fake "self-worth". Consequently, I broke down as well. I don't show vulnerable emotion in front of people, but it happened. As I started talking with said friend about the situation, He brought some harsh truth out. He told me that if I really KNEW my worth, and saw myself the way God saw me, I wouldn't have all these problems and these worries. Essentially, comments like that, wouldn't bother me. (OK, I'm paraphrasing. It was said in a more loving manner, but that's what I remembered the lesson of the message was.)
The problem was, I thought didn't know how. I explained how I had tried for so long, and nothing worked. How I had spent my whole life trying to love myself, but everything I did was temporary. Well friends, there is something I didn't try, and something that isn't temporary: answers from God. I distinctly remembered my friend looked at me, and with tears in his eyes said, "Have you asked HIM? He is waiting, ready and willing to give you the answer. All you have to do is ask. Because He knows your worth. And that is so much more than you are currently seeing."
I was pretty ashamed. For so long, all I had been seeking was worldly acceptance of myself. That worldly satisfaction of being skinny and beautiful and having everyone love you and want to look just like you. And that is why it was all temporary.
I hadn't sought for the one opinion that mattered most: God's.
So he gave me a challenge. He challenged me to pray, starting that day and continuing for the next 100 days, to see myself through God's eyes. As we sat there we figured that 100 days landed right on my half birthday. What a better half-birthday gift than to finally love myself?;) So I took the challenge.
Remember how people always say to "expect the unexpected"? What happened was not what I expected. As I began, I didn't see too much. Then about a month later, I became an EFY counselor. As I worked with the youth, with my co-counselors, with my peers, I started to notice things about myself - gifts you could say. I started realizing things I was good at. I started seeing ways I was able to help people. I started seeing GOOD in myself. The more good I saw inside of me, the more I felt that I was GOOD (because I was finding ways of how I was FILLED with good). The more I felt that I was GOOD, the more that began to show up in my countenance. As my countenance began to get "brighter" and happier, that "glow" started to make me feel beautiful. It was that feeling that carried me through the tough tests that came. It wasn't all happiness and butterflies and good feelings through the whole process, but I knew that nothing that anyone else thought, or said, would change the way God thought about me. It may temporarily change the way that I think of myself, but the more I pray, the more days that go by, the shorter those feelings become, and the less impact they have on me.
I haven't changed really at all in my appearance. I'm still that awkward tall girl who can't really get the hang of walking without tripping a few times, and I'm still not a size 2, but you know what?
I am a completely different person.
When I look at myself, here's what I see: I see a happy person. I see someone who loves to help in any way she can. I see someone who makes people laugh. I see someone who sings from her heart. I see someone who only desires to follow God's will. I see someone who does her best to love everyone around her. I see someone who wants to make everyone smile each time she talks to them. I see someone who gives 110% of her heart and soul in everything she does now. I see someone who wants to achieve. I see someone who wants to change lives. I see someone who is doing new things. I see someone who is following her dreams. I see someone who has a vision, goals, and plans for her life. I see someone who lets light into her life. I see someone who isn't afraid to fail. I see someone who knows who she is. I see someone who knows what she's worth.
I see someone who is beautiful, on the inside and out. And I finally see someone who loves herself.
It was as simple as taking less than a minute every day for 100 days to ask my Father in Heaven to help me see myself through His eyes. And it won't end here. I plan to go 200, 500, 1,000+ days. I will never again let a day go by where I not only ask to see myself as He does, but thank Him for who I am, and who He has created me to be. I wasn't meant to be brunette, I wasn't meant to be 5'6", I wasn't meant to be size 2. Of course I am still trying to be the best me! I want to love and take care of myself, so I am currently working with a personal trainer, eating better, sleeping normally, taking time for myself, putting in the effort to get good grades, bettering myself in any way that I can, and learning more about who I truly am each day. It's still a learning process, and I am not perfect, but who is?
I was meant to be Tiffany Lemon. And that includes all the tall, awkward, funny, happy, girly, crazy things that come with being me.
But guess what?
I wouldn't want it any other way. :)
#100daystolovingme
(Don't wait 21 years, or another 21 years. Start today. Take the challenge and find out just how incredible you really are.)
So here I am again, blogging about change. But this time, it is a change I have waited a long time for. The change of learning to love myself. 21.5 (exactly) years in the making. And here's how I did it:
Hi, my name is Tiffany! In order to understand this story more, you have to know a little about me. For those that think you do, check your knowledge a little. ;) I am 21.5 years old TODAY! (It's my half birthday. Pretty big.) I am the youngest of 6 children. I have 2 older brothers, and 3 older sisters. We are all VERY different, but somehow still get along. I am the tallest of the girls, standing at 5'10". My brother likes to tease me and say I'm 6', but the doctors say 5'9.5" so let's stick with that! I have always been the tall girl. And not the super skinny model type. Also my last name is Lemon. So I am definitely one who understands what it's like to be teased. (This isn't a sob story about all the times I was bullied or made fun of for who I was, just a little background information so you can better understand what a miraculous change this was for me.)
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with feeling my own worth. I've always believed that I had some sort of worth! I knew that my family loved me, and I knew that I had wonderful friends who loved the person I was, but there was one person who didn't feel the same as everyone else.
That one person was me.
Now, I believe every human being on this planet, no matter how confident they seem, all have insecurities. We are just incredible at not letting anyone see that. But those close to me know what a struggle it's been for me to love myself, and helped me in the best ways they could. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but for some reason, nothing worked. I kept feeling like "If only (insert change here) happened, THEN I would be beautiful. THEN I would love myself." Bad mentality folks. I wasn't looking at all the good I already possessed as a human being! I was only looking at what I thought was bad, and seeking to change it. (Negativity.. it's killer.)
Let's talk about that for a second - Why do we constantly want what we don't have? Why does everything just have to be bigger and better than before? We live in a world that constantly desires instant gratification. We have lost all ideas of what patience is, and what lasting change requires. We have become a selfish and greedy generation. (Not everyone, and not all the time, but being honest - we all have our moments.)
Returning to the story..
All I wanted was all the quick fixes. I wanted instant results, instant change, instant love for myself. But all of these were short term, and the more I sought for them, the more I lost myself, and who I really was.
It got to the point that I just didn't have any drive or desire to do anything. I only found joy in certain situations, and I constantly relied on others for that joy. I used their feelings for me to create some sort of "self-worth" when I had lost all mine. One day, I was with a friend, and a comment was made that unintentionally broke down all that fake "self-worth". Consequently, I broke down as well. I don't show vulnerable emotion in front of people, but it happened. As I started talking with said friend about the situation, He brought some harsh truth out. He told me that if I really KNEW my worth, and saw myself the way God saw me, I wouldn't have all these problems and these worries. Essentially, comments like that, wouldn't bother me. (OK, I'm paraphrasing. It was said in a more loving manner, but that's what I remembered the lesson of the message was.)
The problem was, I thought didn't know how. I explained how I had tried for so long, and nothing worked. How I had spent my whole life trying to love myself, but everything I did was temporary. Well friends, there is something I didn't try, and something that isn't temporary: answers from God. I distinctly remembered my friend looked at me, and with tears in his eyes said, "Have you asked HIM? He is waiting, ready and willing to give you the answer. All you have to do is ask. Because He knows your worth. And that is so much more than you are currently seeing."
I was pretty ashamed. For so long, all I had been seeking was worldly acceptance of myself. That worldly satisfaction of being skinny and beautiful and having everyone love you and want to look just like you. And that is why it was all temporary.
I hadn't sought for the one opinion that mattered most: God's.
So he gave me a challenge. He challenged me to pray, starting that day and continuing for the next 100 days, to see myself through God's eyes. As we sat there we figured that 100 days landed right on my half birthday. What a better half-birthday gift than to finally love myself?;) So I took the challenge.
Remember how people always say to "expect the unexpected"? What happened was not what I expected. As I began, I didn't see too much. Then about a month later, I became an EFY counselor. As I worked with the youth, with my co-counselors, with my peers, I started to notice things about myself - gifts you could say. I started realizing things I was good at. I started seeing ways I was able to help people. I started seeing GOOD in myself. The more good I saw inside of me, the more I felt that I was GOOD (because I was finding ways of how I was FILLED with good). The more I felt that I was GOOD, the more that began to show up in my countenance. As my countenance began to get "brighter" and happier, that "glow" started to make me feel beautiful. It was that feeling that carried me through the tough tests that came. It wasn't all happiness and butterflies and good feelings through the whole process, but I knew that nothing that anyone else thought, or said, would change the way God thought about me. It may temporarily change the way that I think of myself, but the more I pray, the more days that go by, the shorter those feelings become, and the less impact they have on me.
I haven't changed really at all in my appearance. I'm still that awkward tall girl who can't really get the hang of walking without tripping a few times, and I'm still not a size 2, but you know what?
I am a completely different person.
When I look at myself, here's what I see: I see a happy person. I see someone who loves to help in any way she can. I see someone who makes people laugh. I see someone who sings from her heart. I see someone who only desires to follow God's will. I see someone who does her best to love everyone around her. I see someone who wants to make everyone smile each time she talks to them. I see someone who gives 110% of her heart and soul in everything she does now. I see someone who wants to achieve. I see someone who wants to change lives. I see someone who is doing new things. I see someone who is following her dreams. I see someone who has a vision, goals, and plans for her life. I see someone who lets light into her life. I see someone who isn't afraid to fail. I see someone who knows who she is. I see someone who knows what she's worth.
I see someone who is beautiful, on the inside and out. And I finally see someone who loves herself.
It was as simple as taking less than a minute every day for 100 days to ask my Father in Heaven to help me see myself through His eyes. And it won't end here. I plan to go 200, 500, 1,000+ days. I will never again let a day go by where I not only ask to see myself as He does, but thank Him for who I am, and who He has created me to be. I wasn't meant to be brunette, I wasn't meant to be 5'6", I wasn't meant to be size 2. Of course I am still trying to be the best me! I want to love and take care of myself, so I am currently working with a personal trainer, eating better, sleeping normally, taking time for myself, putting in the effort to get good grades, bettering myself in any way that I can, and learning more about who I truly am each day. It's still a learning process, and I am not perfect, but who is?
I was meant to be Tiffany Lemon. And that includes all the tall, awkward, funny, happy, girly, crazy things that come with being me.
But guess what?
I wouldn't want it any other way. :)
#100daystolovingme
(Don't wait 21 years, or another 21 years. Start today. Take the challenge and find out just how incredible you really are.)
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